I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
