I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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