I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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