I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was confusing and full of hummus
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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