i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
