he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
