Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
