The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
