everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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