My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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