theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
