You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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