if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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