...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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