I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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