he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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