sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
