You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
