yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
