Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
