I just cut my nipple shaving
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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