At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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