I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize