So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
