i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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