Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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