They should really pass out barf bags in church
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
