the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
