I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
