She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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