i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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