ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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