I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
