she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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