Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i've created a new STD.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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