my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
