Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
