phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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