nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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