dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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