Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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