Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
