one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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