Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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