So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
