Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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