Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
