I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
