Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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