OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
