i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
