so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
