Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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