Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
