I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
