I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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