have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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