Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
where does the pee come out of this thing
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
