I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Found the puke drawer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
